


the art of denial

by infptwriter



Series: BokuAka Week 2020 [6]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: 5+1, Angst, BokuAka Week 2020, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 08:00:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25719976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infptwriter/pseuds/infptwriter
Summary: It’s been months, and he should move on already. Or so Akaashi tells himself.Yet, he cannot deny how much he misses Bokuto. But instead of telling him that, he keeps admitting that to Konoha.orFive times Akaashi tells Konoha he misses Bokuto and one time he tells Bokuto himself.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Series: BokuAka Week 2020 [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1857223
Comments: 2
Kudos: 94





	the art of denial

1.

“How are you holding up?”

“It’s been over two months,” he says for the nth time ever since it happened but Konoha doesn’t even bat an eye. He expects Akaashi to say this again and again, but it doesn’t mean he isn’t going to try to hear his real answer. 

“I know,” he replies and rubs his eyes, tired from studying. “Yet, you’re still pining for him.”

Akaashi pauses and shifts on his chair. Konoha knows him too well. “How do you pine for someone you broke up with?”

Konoha gives him an exasperated laugh. “That’s exactly what I wonder, Akaashi. But also, how come you break up with someone you have been with since high school, which means almost four years, to then just break up out of the blue? You guys weren’t fighting, I know it.”

“Maybe you should mind your own business, Konoha,” Akaashi replies in a clipped tone. “Relationships take a lot of work.”

“I know, and guess who else knows it too? Bokuto does, Akaashi.”

“Then why does he understand and you don’t?”

“He doesn’t understand shit, idiot! He  _ accepted _ it, because he wants you to be happy, like the dumb person he is, thinking you could be actually happy without him. You know he’s selfless enough to let you step on him if it meant making you happy! Do you even miss him?”

Akaashi pauses his work. He looks over his shoulder, where Konoha is sitting and looking at him. Sighing, he starts working again. “Please, let’s just not.”

Konoha doesn’t say anything for a moment and neither does Akaashi. He thinks that this is it, that Akaashi won’t say another word, but then…

“I do miss him,” Akaashi says lowly, like he’s afraid of admitting it. It’s enough progress in Konoha’s head, considering how much in denial he has been lately. 

“Tell  _ him _ that,” Konoha replies a bit too quickly, but he turns around, just in time for Akaashi to turn as well. “Why don’t you do that?”

“If I don’t take time to grow on my own and deal with my own problems without always relying on him, I will never stand on my own ground. I had to do this. I didn’t have a choice.”

With worried eyes, Konoha sighs. “Akaashi, this type of thinking…”

“I know, I  _ know _ ,” he continues desperately. “I told him it wasn’t the end of us. Just...a pause. That maybe we’d meet again. He seemed fine with it.”

“For real now, you… Are  _ you _ fine with it?”

Akaashi smiles, sad and melancholic. He turns back to his work, back stiff and tense. “It doesn’t matter. This conversation never happened, Konoha.”

He sighs, but agrees with him. Even though he knows he’s wrong, he’ll let it slide for now.

  
  
  
  


2.

“Finals kicked my ass, man…” Konoha complains, lying on the couch of the apartment he shares with Akaashi. He had tried another roommate for a year, but the guy moved to another country, and they never got along in the first place. Konoha asked Akaashi to be his roommate on impulse, but since he is a nice, cleans up well and also organized, it works well for both of them. “I think I’ll sleep for the whole weekend.”

“That wouldn’t be very healthy, I assume,” Akaashi comments, walking around the room, looking for something. “Eight hours of sleep is enough for the human body to–”

Akaashi stops talking and Konoha raises his head, looking at him. “What?”

But he doesn’t reply, doesn’t continue his previous sentence. Akaashi is standing next to the TV, in front of the coffee table, something on his hands, looking at it with a passive face and a straightened back. Konoha sits up, rubbing his eyes with tiredness.  _ I’m always so tired _ , he thinks but focuses on Akaashi instead.

“Akaashi?”

When he fails to answer again, Konoha gets up and walks toward his direction. He’s holding a picture, one that Konoha had never seen, but the moment he recognizes who’s in the picture with Akaashi…

Bokuto is hugging Akaashi from his side, sitting on a park. 

“Where did you find this?”

“Under my textbook, on the coffee table,” he replies, finally and snaps his eyes to Konoha. “I...had forgotten about this picture. How could I?”

Akaashi’s voice sound too sad, depressed and dejected for Konoha’s ears. He feels sorry for the guy, especially because they have become closer since moving in and because he knows he’s still head over heels in love with Bokuto. Their breakup is still fresh, being only four months now, and Konoha knows he hasn’t been doing as well as he likes to pretend. He also happens to know that Bokuto is in the same state, but it’s a forbidden topic between them. The breakup, Bokuto, the feelings between Bokuto and Akaashi. 

“What do you want to do it with it?”

“Nothing,” Akaashi whispers. “I can’t throw it away. I look so happy,  _ Bokuto _ looks so happy. It’s a reminder of...of what I don’t have anymore, but…”

“Akaashi, if it’s going to just make you suffer…”

“No!” he says quickly and breathes in. “No, it’s okay. I just… I miss him, Konoha.”

Konoha’s eyes soften at the admission. It’s getting easier to make him say it. “Of course.”

Akaashi nods, grabs his textbook and the picture and retires to his own room, closing the door softly behind himself. Konoha stares at it for quite some time, wondering about the choices Akaashi had to make and why he would even make them. He wonders about love, about his friends and about happiness.

He wonders enough to start thinking that if it was worth it, for either Akaashi or Bokuto.

  
  
  


3.

“Konoha!” Akaashi says, voice a somewhat louder and more excited than the usual. Konoha  _ immediately  _ knows he is drunk as hell. 

“Akaashi, how many drinks did you have?” he asks but Akaashi ignores him, laughing and throwing his arm around his shoulder. 

“That doesn’t matter!” he says, laughing. “I feel amazing! Haven’t you been telling me to try to get better lately? See!”

Konoha cringes at his slurred speech, loud and not usual of Akaashi’s tone and also absolutely full of bullshit. “Akaashi, now that I found you, come on, let’s go home.”

“The party barely started!” he says, pouting and Konoha sighs.

“Akaashi, you’re going to thank me in the morning.”

“Mhm,” he hums and grabs an abandoned cup filled with something he doesn’t even know what it is, just to then drink it all in one gulp. “Let’s have fun, Konoha, come on!”

Konoha stares at him like he has ten heads. “Akaashi, you don’t usually drink  _ at all _ . You’re going to be sick soon.”

“So what?” he asks, laughing bitterly. “I don’t care. I just want to forget, is that wrong?”

“It’s not that, Akaashi…” Konoha starts, unsure. He’s not there to hurt Akaashi, but he knows his friend slash roommate is in a delicate situation right now. One that means that he’s not in control of his own emotions. “But getting drunk just for that isn’t worth it. You’ll feel like shit in the morning and you’ll still remember.”

Akaashi sits on the floor then, his back hitting the wall. The party continues outside, the closed room of the room muffling the voices and the loud music. Besides looking drunk, he looks like a lost puppy. Konoha isn’t even sure why Akaashi is there – they were invited because of a classmate from the only class they have together (a random one they both chose to fill the hours they needed). Konoha wasn’t going to come, but then Akaashi said yes and the end, Konoha came because of a bad feeling and it turned out to be Akaashi’s disappearance inside the party as soon as they had arrived. It took Konoha more than half an hour to find him. 

“I miss him so much,” he babbles, eyes closed but with a pained expression. “I just miss him so much, Konoha.”

This time, he decides not to fight him. It has been six months, Akaashi is drunk and Konoha is tired. He sits next to Akaashi on the floor, allows their shoulders to touch in a comforting way for his friend, and he breathes. This is all he can do, all he can offer.  _ There’s no cure for stupidity after all _ , he thinks.

“I know,” he whispers between them. “It’s okay.”

Konoha pretends not to see the tears in Akaashi’s eyes when he opens them, and they don’t speak about that night for many years to come.

  
  
  


4.

“You suddenly inviting me to have lunch with you was quite terrifying to be honest,” Konoha jokes while sitting down with his food. “Don’t tell me you didn’t have anyone else to have lunch with.”

“I didn’t,” Akaashi replies, adjusting his glasses and glaring at Konoha. “I wanted some company, but I guess a chair would have been more pleasant.”

Konoha barks a laugh, happy to see Akaashi getting back into his spirits. “I’m joking!”

“Sure you are,” Akaashi continues and starts eating. “Are you done with your classes?”

“Thank fuck,” he murmurs, eating as well. “I can’t believe I’m almost done with college! Exciting, but kind of scary as well.”

“I guess,” he replies and pauses, looking at Konoha before continuing. “It’s expected for us to be––.”

Suddenly, Konoha felt in a flashback. Akaashi stops talking and when Konoha looks up, he’s staring just past him, eyes wide and in shock, body tense and stiff. Konoha immediately has an idea of why, but he turns around anyway just to confirm his suspicion.

Bokuto is walking past the cafeteria, turned to his side so he can’t really see Akaashi and Konoha sitting there. He passes by with a classmate, talking to him before he disappears around the corner. Konoha looks back at Akaashi again, the latter with the same frozen expression glued to his face. 

“Akaashi?”

He snaps his eyes back to Konoha, expression shifting quickly to a neutral and slightly scared one instead. He blinks once, twice and then forces a small smile on his face. Konoha feels bad for him immediately.

“It was just… Uhm…”

“It’s okay, Akaashi.”

“It’s not really,” he laughs softly, hollow and weak. “Seeing him made me remember just how much I miss him. That’s all.”

“Understandable,” Konoha says kindly and nudges him with his foot under the table. “Hey, didn’t you say you have an interview soon? For a job?”

“Oh, yeah…”

Konoha changes the subject, and he notices the relief in Akaashi’s eyes. As much as he knows Akaashi should talk about it, should approach the subject, talk about it and open up, Konoha also knows that Akaashi needs time. He needs to heal, to learn how to deal with everything he has been dealing by himself, or at least find who could help him with this.

_ Soon _ , he thinks, decided.  _ He’ll talk about it soon, and fix this _ .

  
  
  


5.

“I thought you said you’d never let me drink again, Konoha?” Akaashi asks in a lighted joking tone, but Konoha only rolls his eyes.

“Asshole, this is a congratulations toast for your first job!”

“How come we didn’t do this when you got your first job, then?”

“Whatever,” he says and sits down, Akaashi huffing a laugh. He picks up his glass, and raises it in a toast. “Congratulations, Akaashi!”

They toast, and soon Konoha is asking all kinds of question to Akaashi about his new job. He doesn’t understand much about being an editor, since all he knows is related to pharmaceutical things. They talk over it for some time, and Akaashi’s phone goes off quite a few times meanwhile, but he doesn’t check it. At some point, Konoha decides to go to the bathroom and when he comes back, Akaashi is staring at his phone.

“What’s up?” he asks as he sits and Akaashi has the most passive face Konoha has ever seen.

“Did you know that Kou––Bokuto-san never really stopped texting me?”

Konoha blinks. “No, I didn’t know. Are you for real?”

“Yes,” he continues and looks up, eyes shining with tears. “He never went overboard, to be honest. It’s just...sometimes, he sends me some texts. Telling me something he wishes he could share it with me. He has just sent me a congratulations text for my job.”

“You never deleted his number. Or blocked him.”

“No,” Akaashi laughs quietly, a bit sad and empty. “Why would I? I could never do it. I would miss him too much.”

“Akaashi,” Konoha starts and hopes for the best. “Maybe you should sit down and talk to him again. You’ve been miserable for the past eight months. Are you sure breaking up was the best idea?”

Swallowing dry, Akaashi shakes his head slightly. “No, Konoha, like you said, it has already been  _ eight _ months and I…”

“So what? Bokuto still loves you and is crazy about you, Akaashi!”

“Relationships aren’t easy like that and…”

“Oh my god, here comes the bullshit.”

“...Bokuto-san and I both need to become independent before we get too attached!”

“Are you for real?” Konoha asks, voice more sad than angry. “Akaashi, you’re both suffering  _ alone _ when you could be together, talking about this.”

“It’s unfixable,” he declares, but Konoha sees the desperation in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“You’re telling yourself that based on what? Because you haven’t tried to get proof. You haven’t done anything besides assume and decide what’s right, what’s best and what’s going to work! Relationships need work from  _ both _ partners, and if you just do things on your own without even talking to Bokuto, of course things won’t work. You have to take and give, just like he has to do the same. Why are you depriving you both from getting happiness? Don’t you love him enough to want to  _ fight _ ?”

By the time Konoha is done, he’s terrified that he has overstepped his boundaries. He and Akaashi are good and close friends, but he isn’t sure if he should have phrased all of that like he did. But Akaashi doesn’t get mad, doesn’t yell at him. He stares at him, an expression of contemplation on his face. For once, Konoha feels hopeful. He continues, anyway, feeling bad for his outburst.

“I’m sorry if that was too much, but Akaashi… Is it worth it, to be sitting here with your roommate, wondering about what could be done instead of actually trying to do it?”

“Of course I love him,” he whispers and his eyes shine with emotions that Konoha hasn’t seen there since Akaashi broke up with Bokuto. “I...you’re right. You’re absolutely right.”

“Aren’t I always?” he smiles and nods at him. “You should go and get your man.”

He laughs alone, watching Akaashi trips on his own feet to get ready and leave soon enough, to find Bokuto, to fix things. Konoha feels relieved, and he hopes that it works out.

Or he will have to punch his roommate.

  
  
  


+1

“Akaashi?” Bokuto asks in shock as soon as he opens the door. Of all people he had been expecting to show up there, Akaashi was definitely the last one, sitting at the bottom of his list.

But he’s there. Standing by his door, breathing heavily, eyes wild and decided. Bokuto swallows dry. They haven’t ‘seen’ each other for seven months and twenty-three days. Not that Bokuto is counting, of course. 

“Can we talk?”

Bokuto blinks, wondering if this is a dream. His heart immediately races, and he can’t help the hope that rises inside his chest. “Come in.”

Akaashi walks inside Bokuto’s apartment, somewhere he hasn’t been in a while, but still knows so well. Quietly, they go to the living room and Akaashi looks around, expecting Kuroo to be there.

“Kuroo-san…”

“At Kenma’s,” he replies while he takes a seat and looks at Akaashi. “Sit, Akaashi. Do you want something to drink?”

Akaashi shakes his head and sits down, looking uncomfortable. Bokuto eyes him curiously, but waits until Akaashi speaks. He decides it’s the best course of action. It doesn’t take long for it to happen, anyway.

“I came to apologize,” he starts, eyes glued on the hands on his own lap. “It’s overdue, I think.”

“Why?” Bokuto asks instead and when Akaashi looks at him, he doesn’t look angry or upset, but just curious. 

“Because I’ve hurt you. I took the decisions of our relationship without talking to you or… I merely assumed everything. It’s not that I don’t trust you, it’s just… I don’t know. I just know that I don’t want to continue like this, that it took all the wrong decisions, that I’ve spent all these past eight months in regret and...”

“Ak––Keiji. Can I call you Keiji?”

Akaashi nods and Bokuto continues. “Keiji. You were doubting yourself, doubting this relationship, and even if we talked, I think you would have still doubted it anyway. You needed to be away from me and I’m okay with it. I didn’t understand at first, and I was hurt in the beginning, but it’s okay. I’m okay now. You’re here. Isn’t that what matters?”

“No, I mean, yes, but…” he takes a deep breath and looks at Bokuto, who’s sitting closer to him now. “I don’t want to just put a rug over this and move on. I want to talk about it. You deserve this much. You deserve to hear everything from me and I hope I can give you this if you can forgive me and maybe…”

“You’re rambling,” Bokuto murmurs, his hand reaching to cup Akaashi’s face. He immediately leans into the touch, his own hand reaching for Bokuto’s. “I missed this.”

“God, I missed  _ you _ .”

Bokuto doesn’t hesitate and pulls Akaashi closer, kissing him fully on the lips. It starts chase and sweet, but Akaashi is impatient to have Bokuto again and soon enough, their mouths open, their tongues meet, their hands tangle on each other’s hair. Akaashi lets out a content sigh, one that Bokuto swallows with his own mouth, and they lean into each other even more then. 

“I missed you, too,” Bokuto whispers when they stop kissing, faces glued together. “Keiji, please, come back to me.”

“Yeah,” Akaashi whispers softly. “I’m sorry. I’m never letting you go again. We’ll talk. I promise you, we’ll talk and make it work.”

Bokuto smiles and kisses him softly again. “As long as you’re here, I’ll fight for you. I promise you that.”

“Me too,” Akaashi manages to say, tears coming into his eyes. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back with my angst <3 although this one was very light angst...  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> (find me on twitter: @owlhashira)


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